I got this joke via Jim Thompson's Great American West Network....A great joke...from Elizabeth McKibben from AZ...
Thanks Beth....

Ole vas walking home late at night...through the park...and he see's a woman in the shadows....

"Twenty dollars" she whispers...

Ole had never been with a hooker before...but, figures, vat de heck..only 20 bucks....

So, they hide in the bushes....and start to really go "at it"...when all of a sudden a light flashes on them.... It's a police officer...

"What's going on here?" asks the officer.

"I'm yust making luv to my vife" Ole answers indignantly.

"Oh I'm sorry"...says the cop..."I didn't know."

"Vell " sez Ole "I didn't neder...'til you shine dat light on her"

So...Rev. Olav Knudson retired...and he and his wife Olga moved into a small house in Westbrook ....
And one day Olav says to Olga....Uffda...Jeg er not so perky anymore...Jeg tink I'll talk vit Ol' Doc Carlson....
Aftern checking Olav over a bit....Doc sez.... Pastor...I tink vat you really need is a little snort of whisky every day...

Oh...neida...sez the good reverand.... Jeg can not do dat...Jeg havf never drank...and Olga would not allow any booze in the house under any circumstance.

vel...Doc sez..... why don't you sneak in a container of whisky to your bathroom...then every morning when you shave...have a little snort.

So...that's what the gude pastor done......

A couple of veeks and Olga runs into Ol Doc Carlson and sez...

Vel Vel Vel Doc...Jeg don't know vat you gav the good pastor...but, my my my...he has a new spring in his step....a gleam in his eye...and is even a little frisky in bed again..... De only ting....Jeg tink he's getting senile.

Oh...sez Doc...and vhy vould you tink dat ?

Vel...sez Olga....Almost every day he's shaving about 15 times a day now.

A Norveegian Valentime Ode….by Grant Peterson

Lena vinked at Ole as she sat in her rocking schair
She said, “Yew know my sweetie, Valentine’s Nite is almost here.

Ole twitched and twittered, kinda wrinkled up his nose,
Cause Valentine’s nite is speshul, as every Norskie knows.

He smiled kinda “sin-fully”, but also shed a tear,
He knew this speshule nite vas “de final of de year”.

He closed his eyes and liked his lips, and thought of Valentines past,
Oh my, he thought, if deres yust some vay to make this night last and last

His mind vent back to last year, and how Lena looked so sveet.
Her “Sunday best” her hair fixed up as she served his “Valentine Treat”

He himself had shaved det day, put on his new flannel shirt.
Ven Lena saw him she blushed and said..”Yew old romantic flirt”.

And so yew see, on Valentine’s nite, when Norskie couples meet—
De nite iss very romantic, but also bitter-sweet.

Dey know it’ll be October, til a nite like dis agin…
Chilled aquavite, the lantern low…and butter on dere chin.

Why Valentine’s nite is better-sweet?…Yew vant to know de reason ?
It’s de final nite for lutefisk----until de next fall season.

So if yew vant to woo your love and be year-round vinners…
Don’t buy no fancy roses…instead get frozen lutefisk dinners.

Den the love de warmth, the rich aroma too…
Is something to enjoy, every veek…de whole year thru.



Glædelig Valentines til deres….

So....up Nort of Hibbing in Minnesota...there's the factory that makes the Tickle Me Elmo Toys....The toy that laughs when you tickle it under his arms.
Lena is hired on to work for the company...and reports on Monday morning at 8 a.m.....
The next day, there's a knock on the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant and rave about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and that the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there, the line is soooo backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. Lena has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge sacl of little marbles.
The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little pirce of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
"I'm sorry , he says to her, barely able to keep a straight fact, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave to you on Friday...
Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles"

Ole's first plane flight....

Ole is making his first big trip via a huge747....and he's darn nervous.
The plane takes off....Ole with clinched fists...and shut eyes..... When the pilot is up a ways....and says "Welcome to flight 652 to Oslo...we'll be flying at an altitude of 35000 ft....and Oh NO NO NO NO....." And the speaker in the plane goes dead.....
A couple of minutes later the pilot comes back on and says "Uffda...I'm so sorry....but, the stewardess was handing me a cup of hot coffee and spiled it all over my lap....you should see the front of my pants"...
At that point...Ole looks up to the attendant going by and sez...
"Uffda...he tinks dats bad....yew should see de back of my pants"....

So....Ole meets Lars on Monday morning...and Ole has 2 black eyes.

Lars askes Ole....Vov...Ole yew got tew black eyez....vhere ver yew to git dem?

Vel...Ole sez....I got dem in shurch yesterday....

In shurch Lar's asks....how in de vorld cude dat happen in shurch.

Ole sez....I vas sitting behind dat big fat Misses...Yonson....Und, ven ve got opp to sing...vel, her dress vas caught in the crack of her ass, so I yust reached up and pulled it out....and, vel, she turned around and klobbered me in de eye.....

Vel, vat about de second von asks Lars....

Vel....sez Ole.....next time ve stood up to sing....I reached up and poked it back in....I tought dats mabee vhere she vanted it. ... and uffda...she turned around and hit me agin.

So....Lena dnd Emma are wisiting en dag.....
Lena says to Emma....Yew know Emma....dat handsome Ole Olson has asked me out on a date...and I vanted to talk to yew before I gave him an answer.
Vel....Emma sez.....I'll tell yew....I had a date vit Ole some time ago....he came to my place right on time....he vas all dressed up so nice...and he even brought me a beautiful bouquet of flowers. Vel....ve vent out to hiss car...a really nice von....ve vent to a fancy cafe for supper, I had some vin, some champagne, some desserts, some after dinner drinks...it vas vonderful. Den off to de show.....
Den...when I invited Ole in to my place when ve got home....uffda...he turned into an animal....He kissed me....tore off my beautiful new dress....and vel....ve made mad passionate love fer 2 times....
So...Lena sez....are you saying dat maybe I shouldn't go out vit him ?
And Selma sez.....No, dats not vat I'm saying....I'm yust saying...don't vare your new dress....vear an old von.

Soooo....
Ole and Lena are sitting and rocking one evening....
Lena sez..... Ole... I'm having an affair.....
and Ole sez....Are you having it catered?